To state the obvious, the numbers protect the people I am writing about, as well as myself. We begin with #1, my first real romantic interest (ahem) beginning in 8th grade, through the present (2011) as I exit my college career (quite the time span huh?).*
1 The first kiss and 8th grade boyfriend. What a winner. He kissed me behind our middle school and told the soccer team to watch. Le sigh. Saw him recently and tried to impress me with talk of the boat that he bought with drug money. Double sigh.
2 The 2nd kiss and therefore a lot more fun than the first. A total sweetheart who ended up being one of my best guy friends in high school after abandoning me 8th grade summer to be in Florida. Whoever ends up with him will be a lucky girl.
3 My first official boyfriend and the only relationship I will never be able to repair. Best friends for years and together on and off for two, I had to end our friendship due to his inability to remain sober. I avoid burning bridges when possible, but with this one, it was necessary for my sanity and mental health. Never again, will I put so much of myself into one person. I learned that no single guy can ever ‘complete’ you as romantic comedies would have you believe. A valuable lesson, and one that I came to appreciate.
4 Ah, a romantic summer at Ruby Tuesdays and he cheats on me the second I leave the country with my family. In a pool. With his ex-girlfriend. Classy dude. Last I heard he was engaged to a lesbian (not kidding).
5 The boyfriend of my senior year and eventual taker of the v-card. A sweet boy, but ultimately, he was not there for me when I needed him to be. I spent the first part of freshman year of college wrecked about it, only to eventually forgive him sophomore year because I recognized we were different, and his opinion would never matter. We are still friendly.
6 A mistake, but also a sweet boy, who a year after hooking up with me would tell me (with his girlfriend in the room) that I was ‘amazing’. Read into that as you will.
7 This surfer boy was the first college hook-up and the first walk of shame. Though nothing filthy happened, he helped me get my mojo back after 5, and for that, I will always be grateful.
8 This loser tried to romance me and promptly failed after getting a DUI with me and 2 friends in the car. After offering to drive because he was sober. I still see him at Best Buy and it is sufficiently awkward.
9 The most enduring and complicated hook-up of college. I wasted a lot of time caring what this one thought. For whatever reason, we can’t be friends. There is a small part of me that hopes he turns out all right. We just never got the best parts of each other.
10 This surfer boy tried to pressure me into having sex with him and got pissy when I stood my ground. Hey, sorry I’m not as timid as the other girls, dude. We now have mutual friends and act like nothing ever happened.
11 This boy was hilarious! He was a friend of a friend and probably the most fun one-night situation EVER. We didn’t hit home, but his enthusiasm made my year.
12. The best friend, at different times to 3, 4 AND 5 (yeah, damn). He waited till college to express how he had desperately wanted to be better to me than 3, 4 and 5 had been. While 5 watched him say it. A sweet moment, and sadly I did not show him the kindness he deserved, even though I eventually let him take me on a date (which my friends crashed). He recently moved back to town and has been hitting me up. Pretty sure this love connection was DOA, but I am always inclined to give him a chance because this rugby player is just so darn manly!
13 I had a crush through all of my college till my senior year when it dawned on me that homeboy was gay. Wow. The gay-dar was way delayed, but I hope this film major finds happiness. My discovery was confirmed when a gay friend of mine noticed him dancing at a club and said, “You know he’s a homo, right?”
14 This rich dude is not one of my favorite people, but hey, we got past the awkwardness of sophomore Halloween! I think my panties are still in his boat?
15 Roommate to 9 and probably the most drunken, regrettable experience of my life. I always thought he was a nice guy, but we were never able to move past the weirdness. 9 probably didn’t help the situation.
16 I will always have a soft spot for this one; he remained a good friend from the dorm through all of college. We just happened to make out one night after a few too many tequila shots. He won so many browny points for cuddling with my favorite stuffed animal. Softie.
17 Frattier than I will probably ever go near again. He yelled at me for not wanting to make out with him in the middle of a party (a rarity, by the way). He eventually apologized and we are still friendly. Super fun dude. And a total babe.
18 A recurring dalliance I maintained through the second half of college. I was never particularly into him, but tried to convince myself I was since I so enjoyed him in my bed. Alas, these things can’t be forced. Still love that he was my first cougar experience. He was a year younger. We did not end till he decided to do drugs before coming over and left me hanging. Over it. Side note: He did offer to make it up to me. I declined.
19 Friend from high school whom I had zero attraction to despite being a total sweetheart who wined and dined me at his semi-formal. After a few too many at an oyster roast, we made out in an open ditch while police lights were going off. Very Romantic. Heard he is back with his high school love.
20 My ginger friend whom I desperately want to come out of the closet. An amazing and talented guy who I was lucky enough to work with. Again, club nights when you are underage typically end in debauchery and weirdness. Learn from my mistakes, kids.
21 Once a douche, always a douche. Thanks for ripping the buttons off my favorite shirt, motorboating me, then passing out. What a rock star that one was. He ended up breaking the heart of a good friend of mine. Can’t say I understand her attraction to him.
22 Another fratty blonde who had the audacity to try and love me. I tried, too. I think it was his penchant for ecstasy and the Sarah Palin poster over his bed that finally convinced me I could fake an attraction no longer. He still won’t talk to me, despite the fact that his best friend told me they knew I was never into him; he just wouldn’t hear it. Despite his grudge, I really do miss him.
23 After not having an orgasm for a solid two years, this dude in the Bahamas (from Central Florida) not only gave me back my sexual confidence but took me out on a few real dates, despite having been robbed at knifepoint. Ladies, do not takes excuses for not being treated with respect. My favorite moment? When we totally had a Jack/Rose Titanic moment on the back of the booze cruise. Who cares that there were 200 drunken college students partying around us? It. Was. Awesome.
24 I do love my gingers don’t I? Nothing serious ever happened with us, but he did go streaking with me on the beach post-Bahamian spring break. Saw him recently. He looked bangin’.
25 Oh, god. Poetry boy happened on my birthday when I was having a terrible day and felt sorry for myself. Having previously been in my poetry class, he left me a sweet poem in the morning, as well as his number. Never could muster up an attraction. Pretty sure he was the same height as me. Sigh. Le Beer Goggles.
26 One of my best guy friends and a true gentlemen. Pretty sure I only hooked up with him on Halloween because he defended my honor to a douchey frat boy. We are still friends and he was probably the most hilarious morning after ever (“So… I can picture you naked at work, right? What?.. That makes you uncomfortable?”).
27 Another gentlemen. On his 21st birthday, I was wasted, he was sober (YES). When I tried to kiss him under the pier, he told me he, “wasn’t like that.” Honey, everybody is like that. I was way too much for this good ole’ Christian boy to handle.
28 Ah. I usually refer to him as ‘quarter life crisis’. Met this one due to his friendship with 4. After the flirtation was unsuccessfully quelched by 4, we continued to travel for each other over the course of my 1st two years of college. Over the course of a few dates (one, a wedding for the knocked up 17-yr-old sister of his best friend, yikes) and a meltdown (his) over my attraction to Zac Efron, I began to see his previously adorable quirks as character flaws. I beg of you, WHO THE FUCK, says something like “Fuck all those faggots… Lloyd…. Ari, Turtle. Entourage should be all about Vince.” Bye. Sorry/not sorry.
29 The Colombian was one of my few hookups abroad mostly because he terrified me. I wasn’t aware that other countries assume American girls are sluts and he basically convinced me that my experience living abroad should be about friendships. After all, up to that point, males had only caused me stress and hurt.
30 The Argentinian was just a sweet boy trying to… follow me home. From the club. Extremely pushy. Cultural barriers?
31 The Spaniard tried to romance me through the streets of Barcelona. He failed miserably. I assume that in Spain, calling someone 8 times within the span of four hours is normal. No? It isn’t? Didn’t think so.
32 I met this Aussie in my hostel the first time I went to Paris. A real class-act. After buying me tequila shots and telling me he wanted to get to know me, he tried to bang me in the bathroom. He failed miserably and was probably the worst kisser ever. It doesn’t help that I found out, after the fact, that he was 18. Gasp and shudder. Gasp and shudder.
33 This particular Aussie was the best friend of one of my best male friends. A genuine dude and probably one of the more evolved humans I have ever met, I don’t think he was that into me (He was seeing someone else). I, however, realized after several happy travel experiences with him (including Paris) that I was ready to give up my ‘wild’ lifestyle and be somebody’s girlfriend. Alert the press! I wanted to be wifed down y’all! Note: This was a pretty major breakthrough after a fear-induced two + years of singledom and an inability to open up. Work in progress, that one.
34 After seeing this boy across the room at a party in Cali, I was uncharacteristically (and soberly) forward and invited him to join me and my friends. After an experimental evening, I think we both deemed it unnecessary to speak ever again. It’s whatever, though. His biceps were EVERYTHING.
35 Yikes. This one happened because of my desperation to be the world’s best wingwoman. AKA He was attached at the hip to the guy I wanted one of my best friends to hook up with. I was successful in that endeavor! Unfortunately, the consequence for me, meant waking up next to 35. When he tried to talk to me at the bars, he had shit to talk about 16. Talk shit about my friends? Dead to me.
36 I will probably always be grateful for this Greek boy for being sweet to me at a time when I really needed it. He was there for me when a lot of my girlfriends were not and I was, perhaps, a bit too appreciative. However, he did talk dirty to me in French, so all was not wasted! He recently rescued me from some drunk girl who wanted to fight me at the 4th? He is superman, that one.
37 I went on a date with this bespectacled lacrosse hottie only for him to make racist jokes against our Mexican waitress (in a Mexican restaurant… sheesh) and then tell me way too many personal stories about his philandering father. After all this, he had the gall to try and get me back to his PARENT’S HOUSE. Real talk. He stopped texting me after I was straight up, “Sorry, I think you’re cool but I am not feeling it. Hope you have a great X-mas break.” Sometimes, that’s what it takes, ladies.
38 The male roommate of one of my best girlfriends; this mofo had wonky eyes and was probably the best fooling around I had had in a hot minute. However, I don’t look kindly on dudes who attempt to pressure me and the friendship died pretty quickly. Margaritas always begin well, but don’t end in the same fashion. This happened the same night I met 41 and 42.
39 The best human-being I have known to this date. After a drunken encounter at Senor Frogs that involved peeling my friend off the wall and putting her onto a luggage rack, I went on one date and was completely floored. Intelligent, sexy and open-minded, he was basically everything I had been asking for. Sadly, he was scheduled to serve our country overseas and our romance was brief. In that time though, he helped me with a lot of issues. We still speak fairly regularly via e-mail. *Nude Photo Scandal: Solved
40 Homeboy was at the same Mardi Gras parade as me and attempted to show me a good time only to be cock-blocked by his cunt-y female friends. Please ask your friends to not refer to me as “the girl you’re gonna bang,” when I am standing five feet away. There are no gaurantees in life, and I promise you, I am not that easy. Didn’t feel right any ways, since 39 had just left and residual feelings remained. Besides, how could I kiss someone in HIS city?
41 Another military man, (Side note: I spent my entire life avoiding military men only to be bombarded by them in my last year of college? Annoying. I digress.) He was sweet, but with 39 still on my mind, it was just too hard of an act to follow.
42 Friend of 41. 41 went abroad and I guess he didn’t feel guilty about hitting on me? Took me on a date then drunkenly passed out in my lap afterwards. Sweet guy, but learn to handle your shit, dude. We remain friends and see each other pretty regularly.
43 Whilst dating 39, 39 decided to go to DC for the weekend. Meaning, I went to the bars and saw the Justin Bieber documentary (both perfectly respectable things to do with a Friday night, though not in that order). In the process, I got hammered and 43, one of my very best from high school, decided to profess his undying need to do dirty things to me. Flattering, but… I really am not attracted to blondes? Maybe I’ll take him up on it if I am ever like, starved, for affection.
44 This stoner hottie went to my high school and we were reintroduced at a graduation party. Currently debating if his texting etiquette is a deal-breaker. I am really not into pot-heads, but he kind of entertains me. Probably a dead end. Most likely a dead end. Definitely, a dead end.
45 Friend to Polly Pocket’s boyfriend. A geologist with the receding hairline of my grandfather. I am too young to give up on hair just yet, y’all. This sweet, older dude told Polly Pocket’s boyfriend to make sure I knew I wasn’t 5th wheel since he brought his female neighbor out with us. Cute. But by ingratiating me into the seedy world of the strip club, I was also the witness to an event that involved watching a 40+ stripper suck on his finger. That was unfortunate (and would kill even the most optimistic lady-boner).
46 This one is questionable. There have been no bold professions of love; just the awkward comments made by roommates and an inkling that when this one tries to cuddle and his hand brushes against my belly ring… maybe it wasn’t an accident? My roommate is convinced that he is in love. Work friends for about two years, I am not sure I can talk myself into this one… Which brings up another issue…
47 Cute hipster type I met on OK Cupid. Have yet to go on first date, but if he makes me laugh in person the way he does online (and you know, makes me feel all girly and smushy inside) then he might have a chance.
48 The namesake of this blog and probably one of the best random compliments I have ever recieved (only listed for clarity). 4th of July, this rando giant told me he “loved my freckles” and that he found me to be, “original and sexy.” Sigh. Too bad, I was so drunk I could barely see ten feet in front of my face, let alone find him after he pranced off to play in the water.
49 Bar regular who decided to stumble drunkenly into the dining room to offer me a date. Thanks, but no thanks? I like my men under thirty. and not blonde. and not desperate.
50 Great date and a true gentlemen. He took me to a wine expo and proved that nice guys are not an extinct race. However… I am a bit tired of the same types pursuing me (bad boys).. further soiled by…
51 A dreadlocked-and-married-to-a-lesbian wetlands biologist who felt the need to pull the rug out from 50 and try to swoon me via text WHILE I am on a date with his friend. Rude behavior might have ensued. Maybe. I don’t take kindly to being used as an emotional scratchingpost.
52 Friend to 53 and bar regular. Asked me to hang out in a manner which I found to be overly agressive. 53 assured me that 52 didn’t know what he wanted and not to worry because he had just gotten out of a bad relationship. Which is ironic and cruel considering…
53 The manager of the bar that I work at. Has the potential to be a decent human being if he ever grows up and realizes how selfish he is. Still at the age where he thinks he can have his cake and eat it too. Too bad I don’t have the time.
54 A Brit that I love, admire and have a good time with, but just could not force an attraction. Hey, these things should never be forced, but natural.
55. American Biology/Philosophy major. Extremely awkward and sweet. Told him he was too young for me then, quite literally, ran away to eat dumplings. I don’t think he liked that.
56. Met this 25 yr old Kiwi roommate (he was wearing only a towel. ahem) the day before he was supposed to move out. After realizing what a giant cock he was, I peaced out. Later was told that he uses Blendr (Yeah. Grindr for the heteros) to find the 17 year old girls he sleeps with. Classy.
57. Drug dealer to my friends and bartender at my favorite all night joint…Great, creative, interesting and fun guy… But a bit too wordly for my taste. He wants a “good girl?” Well, I want a good guy.
58. Sort -of -friend to 53? We’ll see what happens. The texts are out of control and my best friend here calls him Super Mario because the resemblance is.. striking. We’ll see where it goes.
59. Bar patron who recently professed that when I asked him to be my wingman, it sorta hurt his feelings.. His rampant drug use makes this one NA
60. Kiwi street musician who sang me John Mayer because he liked my smile. He could end my ‘no-more-musicians’ rule if he would just show up to my bar!
61. Another bar patron… sigh. 50’s. Walks with a cane. Called me after he overheard me give my number to a female coworker… double sigh. Recently found out he will die within a year due to some muscular disease and is… married. Great.
62. My water park lover. Aussie from WA. Still in regular contact and planning to see me around birthday time :)
63. 35 year old sailor/whale sharker and probably one of the most fun people ever. Too bad he was never going to treat me like a princess. The good times rolled for a little over a month.
64. This tall ginger approached me at the pub to tell me he loved my freckles only to be humiliated by my drunk/protective bestie. Turns out he’s got the magic stick and is roommates with a co-worker? This town is too small. Yet, consider me intrigued..
65. Bartender at the local pub. Gave my male roommate his number after many flirty encounters.. some including when I was otherwise engaged with 63. Textual flirtations currently occurring.
* I have most likely forgotten about some high school affairs. I mean, can you blame me? It is more likely that I purposely blacked them out.